Turn Your Dinner Party Into A Practice Session
Gather a group of friends together for a dinner party with the intention of focusing on your eye contact. Your friends don't need to know this is your objective, but what a perfect low-risk situation to give this skill some attention.
A group of four to six is the perfect size: large enough to practice, but small enough so people won't pair up into smaller conversations. If possible, arrange to sit at a round table so everyone can easily look at everyone else. During the meal, try to work in a story or two about your day or some adventure you've taken, all the while keeping your eyes on their eyes. Even when listening, focus your eyes on whoever is speaking.
By the way, you don't have to wait for a special event. If you typically have meals with family or colleagues, you already have practice opportunities built into your regular routine.
2/2012
Can You Spot the 300-pound Gorilla?
Perhaps you’ve seen this video of the invisible gorilla by Daniel Simons. If not, click the link now, watch the video and then read on. Six people wearing black or white shirts are tossing basketballs. The viewer is asked to count how many times the white-shirted players pass the ball. When the video stops, the viewer is asked a startling question: Did you see the gorilla? It’s amazing, but only about half of all viewers typically notice the man in the gorilla suit.
When communicating face to face, most people have lots of little gorillas wandering through their conversations in the form of extraneous filler words or excessive fidgeting. If your listeners are intently focused on your message, they may not notice these distractions. But if the listeners’ attention is drawn to them, these seemingly small behaviors can become the proverbial 800-pound gorilla in the room. That’s why I call these distractions “derailers.”
When it comes to derailers, there’s simply no substitute for the video camera. Try to capture a ten-minute clip of yourself in a typical business setting. Then, with the eye of a social scientist, examine the extraneous signals in your communication. The speaker who can eliminate the extra distractions from the conversation will automatically sound clearer, more focused, and better spoken.
12/2011
Making a Connection by Eliciting a Response
Thanksgiving dinner, reunions, and birthday parties… We set these times aside to visit and catch up on what’s happening in each other’s lives. They are also great times to practice your communication skills. When it’s your turn to tell what you’ve been doing, keep your attention on your listeners by actively trying to elicit a response. Choose a story from your professional or personal life that’s detailed enough to keep you talking for a couple of minutes. While you’re speaking, do everything you can to get their heads to nod, as if to say, “Hum, that’s interesting. I’m listening.” How? Start by really looking at them. Then, play up the interactive gestures: reach out, change your expressions, raise your eyebrows, nod your head. In short, ask them with your body language, “Is this coming across? Are you with me?” Secretly count how many times people nod back at you if you nod toward them.
If you actively raise the level of your communication, your listener will respond by being more involved. Don’t wait for a special occasion to test this exercise. Try it tonight at dinner.
11/2011
Play Ball! - Pitching your message so it lands in their seats
Imagine you and I are playing catch, but I consistently throw the ball just two feet short of reaching you. With each toss you’ll need extra effort to retrieve the ball. At some point you’d probably find this tedious and search out something more interesting to do, right?
The most common communication mistake I see people make, no matter the profession or organization, is the failure to put enough effort into speaking. They simply don’t throw the ball hard enough to “land” their message directly in the listener’s lap. Sometimes playing an actual game of catch can help develop the skill of projection.
Stand about ten feet away from a partner and, for a few rounds, throw the ball just a foot or two shy of the catcher. Then start tossing the ball accurately. Gradually get farther away from each other and notice the level of effort it takes to land the ball on target. Next, try saying short statements while you throw the ball. “Spring is my favorite season” or “I’d like to live in Paris.” Again, notice how much effort it takes to land your message effectively.
For the rest of the day, wherever you go, try to calibrate the optimal level of energy you need to land your message perfectly.
10/2011
Develop Attentive Listening
We often use the “True or False” exercise in our workshops to help people develop the skill of attentive listening. Students are divided into groups of four at separate tables. Each person must tell two stories about themselves, one true and the other untrue. Listeners must guess which story is true and which is made up.
After all the stories are shared, I tell them the real purpose of the exercise. It was purely to get them to pay attention to each other. Typically, when people take turns telling stories, they don’t really listen. They spend most of their time rehearsing in their heads the story they plan to tell.
But when participants are tasked with telling fact from fiction, suddenly they focus on every word that’s said. They notice every gesture and nuance. The lesson, of course, is to use this same level of attentiveness in all of your communication interactions.
08/2011
Posture and Hormones
A study by psychologists at Columbia and Harvard found that changing your posture alters your hormone levels. When measuring hormone levels, research showed that volunteers who took on dominant postures had increased testosterone and lower cortisol levels. In contrast, volunteers who took on low status postures had lower testosterone and increased cortisol levels.
According to the study, "by simply changing physical posture, an individual prepares his or her mental and physiological systems to endure difficult and stressful situations, and perhaps to actually improve confidence and performance in situations such as interviewing for jobs, speaking in public, disagreeing with a boss, or taking potentially profitable risks. These findings suggest that, in some situations requiring power, people have the ability to 'fake it 'til they make it.' "
04/2011
The Opening Hook
A good presentation begins with a strong opening hook. A masterful hook not only entices the listener to pay attention, but is deeply relevant to the content of the presentation. Check out the link below for an example of an excellent hook by William Ury, co-author of Getting to Yes, as he delves into the topic of difficult negotiations. When there seem to be only 2 sides to an argument, and both sides are deeply opposed, Ury is dedicated to finding the third way. He illustrates this with an enlightening anecdote about 3 brothers and 17 camels.
01/2011
Get Motiv-Aided!
One of the biggest obstacles to developing new habits is simply remembering to practice. We may have every intention of developing stronger posture, optimal volume, or better eye contact, but when we become immersed in our everyday business, we forget to focus on these things. The MotivAider can help. This small device about the size of a pager is worn on your belt or in your pocket. Periodically, it will emit a 2-second vibration to remind you to focus on whatever habit you are trying to develop. You can set it to go off at standard intervals or randomly. For example, if you are working on posture, you can set it to go off every 10 minutes to remind you to straighten your spine. Many of my clients have used it with great success. Check it out at Tools for Wellness.
10/2010
Praise for Ted Talks
If you're looking for examples of how to give fascinating presentations, you'll find consistently rich material on Ted Talks. Experts from extremely diverse fields offer their best ideas in talks ranging from two to twenty minutes. Visit ted.com to take a look. One of our favorites is Sugata Mitra: The child-driven education. This is a truly inspiring presentation.
09/2010
Shake up Your Presentation with Prezi
This month’s tip is a double bonus. Check out the link below for a wonderful presentation on how metaphor enriches and defines our thinking AND see a great example of how the new web-based service Prezi can help you deliver slides in a stunning new way. With Prezi, instead of a sequence of slides, you get a camera that pans across a sheet of images and text, zooming in and out as required. If you’d like to “shake things up” in your presentations, you’ll want to see this.
To hear James Geary discuss the power of metaphor, go to: James Geary on Ted Talks
To learn more about Prezi, go to: www.prezi.com
08/2010
Your Summer Workout
One reason good posture sends a message of strength is that it actually takes strength! So take a field trip to the gym and develop your personal power through weight training, yoga, or Pilates. The time you invest will be well worth the effort. In the animal world, the strongest, healthiest specimens lead the pack.
06/2010
Overcoming Speech Anxiety
Dear Cara,
I have trouble in client meetings when we go around the room to introduce ourselves. I feel a lot of anxiety waiting for my turn, and when it finally arrives, I'm so nervous that I bumble through it. I end up frustrated with myself because I know I can do better. Any suggestions would be welcome. Y.B.
Dear Y.B.,
Believe it or not, your problem is very common. There are probably several people around the same table who are nervous about those introductions, even your clients. One of the first things to keep in mind is that 90% of the symptoms of nervousness are not visible from the outside -- the racing heart, the adrenalin, the sweaty palms, the clouded thinking. As uncomfortable as it is, it's a personal experience and not a public one.
However, here are a few things that might help you to feel more comfortable:
-- Breathe. Actively breathe into your belly area as the introductions get closer to you. When adrenalin hits, we go from relaxed abdominal breathing to thoracic breathing, or ribcage breathing. Your body is preparing you to fight or flee. You need to actively get your breathing back into the belly area to send a signal to your body that you are not under threat.
-- Keep your focus on the other speakers. The more you focus on yourself, the more self-conscious you become. Actively listen to the speakers before you.
-- Practice your elevator pitch. Why should introducing yourself be an impromptu moment? Create a two-sentence introduction that describes who you are and your role in your company. Practice it so that you can easily deliver it with a strong voice, eyes up, and free of uhs or ums.
-- Go to a few networking meetings so that you can practice introducing yourself. Just walking around and shaking hands will help, but often networking groups have everyone stand and introduce themselves in front of the whole group. This will certainly desensitize you to the more intimate client meetings.
05/2010
Practice with Post-it® Notes
Part of developing effective eye contact is learning the choreography of looking around the room and holding eye contact for 3-5 seconds. To practice, try this drill. You can do this exercise standing or seated.
Put Post-it® notes on the walls of your office or living room, give yourself an impromptu question and hold your eyes on each note for 3-5 seconds while answering. Try not to follow a pattern. Practice engaging the entire room. Once you've mastered this exercise, it's still helpful to use it when preparing for an upcoming high-stakes presentation.
If you do this exercise while practicing your material, you're much more likely to keep your energy focused outward when the big day arrives.
04/2010
Train Your Ideas to Come When You Call
My 9-month old Labradoodle was a star student in obedience training. In my living room she can sit, stay, come, lie down, take it, leave it and drop it. However, when I take her to the dog park, she becomes so excited by the other dogs that she goes completely deaf. She doesn’t even know her name.
This experience happens to humans, as well. Sitting at our desks, or in the comfort of our personal space, we are experts in our subject matter and can easily articulate the nuances of our field. But, lead us to the boardroom, or the podium, and we can’t manage to form a simple sentence.
My dog trainer will tell me that my dog doesn’t own those skills until she is reliable in all circumstances. I need to train her with distractions.
It’s so easy for us to convince ourselves that we “own” our skills when we can do them so easily under the perfect conditions. Then, we berate ourselves if we under perform when it counts.
Part of being at your best every time, is to raise the bar on your training. You need to be so comfortable, so habitual that even distractions won’t pull you off your game.
03/2010
Self Confidence and Posture
Excerpted from: The Science of Will Power blog
A study in the European Journal of Social Psychology (Brion, Petty, & Wagner 2009) looked at how posture influences self-confidence. Participants were asked to hold one of two postures: slumped sitting or sitting up straight. While holding the posture, they completed a mock job application, listing their own strengths and weaknesses that would be relevant for the job. They then rated the degree to which they believed themselves to be a good candidate for the job market, a good interviewee for a new position, a good performer on-the-job, and a satisfied future employee.
The researchers found that posture had a significant effect on these ratings. Sitting slumped over was associated with lower work-related self-confidence than sitting straight up.
It's an interesting example of how the body can influence the mind.
So the next time you're feeling stressed or need a boost of confidence, consider changing your body to change your mind. And the next time you're at a job interview (or first date), listen to your mother's wisdom, and sit up straight!
02/2010
Strengthen Your Voice!
It’s a brand new year. If you’re like most people, you’ve made a resolution to get a little more exercise. May I suggest that you focus some of that exercise on your diaphragm.
The diaphragm is a muscle that sits right under your lungs. It’s the engine that is responsible for volume and breath support – so, the stronger your diaphragm, the stronger your voice.
To identify what it feels like to engage your diaphragm, say “shuuuuuush.” Now, say it loudly, as if you are trying to get the attention of someone in the next room. If you felt the muscle under your ribcage contract, you just engaged your diaphragm. To give your diaphragm a little exercise, try to sustain the “shuuuuuush” as long as you can. Do this several times a day, trying to increase the duration of the “shush” with each practice session.
Another great exercise is to recite a list, all in one breath. Be sure to emphasize the final word in each list to keep your diaphragm engaged all the way to the end. Try reciting:
- The days of the week
- The months of the year
- 1-10 in another language
- The alphabet
- I went to the store and bought some eggs.
- I went to the store and bought some eggs and milk.
- I went to the store and bought some eggs, milk and cheese.
- I went to the store and bought some eggs, milk, cheese and butter.
Bringing more strength to your voice is one of the easiest ways to increase your appearance of confidence and personal power. Good luck!
01/2010
PowerPoint at its Best!
We highly recommend that you check out SlideShare's annual "World's Best Presentation" contest. Our friend Dan Roam won this year's top spot!
There are two common themes that you'll find with all the top winners.
1) They keep the text concise. We suggest that you follow the advice of Albert Einstein: "Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler."
2) They use images. More than 60% of your brain is used for visual processing. Images that support your message are retained. Take advantage of this fact.
For more info on how to use images, check out Dan Roam's book, The Back of the Napkin: Solving Problems and Selling Ideas with Pictures.
11/2009
Finding Your Comfort Zone
Most people will tell me that they can focus more on their posture, voice, and eye contact when they know their message well. I absolutely agree. However, it is unrealistic to expect to be well-prepared for all of your interactions.
I'd like to turn that thinking around. Imagine if you were so habitual about good posture, strong voice and optimal eye contact that the ONLY thing you had to think about was your message. That's the comfort zone.
Your message may change in every conversation. However, if you put in the practice time, your optimal speaking skills will become habits your can rely upon in every interaction.
10/2009
3 Steps for organizing your ideas quickly
Surprise! You’ve been elected to give a presentation on your area of expertise, but you have very little time to prepare. Here are three quick steps for organizing your ideas when time is short.
1) Identify your core message. Come up with a 15-second sound-bite that defines your key point. It’s vital that you start with your bottom line.
2) Brainstorm the questions on their minds. Rather than brainstorming what you want to tell them, ask yourself, “what do they want to know?” This will keep you from needlessly giving background that no one cares about, or missing a crucial point that’s obvious to you but new to them.
3) Organize the above questions into a logical progression. Most people find it easier to answer a series of questions than to launch into a speech. If you are short on time, just organize the questions. Trust yourself, you know the answers.
09/2009
Don't Get Stranded Behind the Podium
Whenever possible get out from behind the podium. The podium distances you from your audience by restricting your body language signals and holding you in one static spot. Feel free to leave your notes on the podium, but step to the side to answer questions and wear a wireless lavaliere mic so that you can move about the stage. If there's simply no way to avoid the podium, here are some best practices.
- Step back a few inches from the podium. Even though it sounds counter intuitive, stepping back keeps you from holding onto the sides of the podium or leaning in toward the microphone. You will look more comfortable if you have a little bubble of space in front of you.
- Engage your gestures. The minute your mouth begins talking, your body language needs to start talking, too.
- Speak up. Even though you are likely to have a microphone, do not let it do all of the work. Your expression, animation and energy will also be more engaging if you are putting more effort into your volume.
Use Networking Events as Practice Sessions
Every time I attend a networking meeting, we mingle for 20 minutes or so before the meeting gets rolling. What a great place to practice my elevator pitch! At some of the meetings, we take turns standing up and introducing ourselves to the rest of the group. It’s the perfect low-risk public speaking opportunity.
Whether you are working on specific skills (eye contact, optimal volume, being more expressive) or trying to find the perfect words to describe what you do, you’ll have plenty of chances to practice at a networking event. You may even find a new client!
07/2009
Drill of the Month: Eliminating Fillers
The first step to getting the "uh" and "ums" out of your conversation is to become aware of when they pop up. Then, train yourself to leave a pause instead of interjecting the filler sound. One of the most effective drills for this is "The Flag Game."
Working with a practice partner, take turns talking for 2 minutes each. The listener should listen intently for “uhs” and “ums” and flag them by raising his or her hand. As the speaker, try not to react to the flag. Just notice it in the back of your mind and keep going. The immediate feedback of your partner’s flag will keep you dedicated to eliminating the “uhs” and “ums” in the next sentence. When you can easily get through 2 minutes without a single flag, you have enough awareness to practice on your own.
05/2009
The Star Key
Most corporate voicemail systems will allow you to play back your message and, if necessary, re-record it by hitting the star key. The next time you leave a voicemail message, play it back to evaluate the strength of your voice, your pace and articulation. Is your message concise and free of filler words? Is this a message that represents you well? This is a great way to get immediate feedback on your skills and correct a voicemail that may not be up to par.
04/2009
The One-Word Mantra
When your moment in the spotlight comes (high-stakes proposal, important interview, big presentation) it's important to be intentional about using your best communication skills. But over-thinking it can cause self-consciousness and brainfreeze. What's the happy medium? The One-Word Mantra. Instead of giving yourself a list of things to concentrate on, choose a single word that sums up what you want to accomplish ("Relax" "Connect" "Energize").
The February/March 2009 issue of Scientific American Mind, quotes studies that show that athletes who give themselves detailed instructions ("keep ski tips high" and "keep body streamlined" for a ski jumper, for example) are more likely to choke under pressure than those athletes who rely on a single word (such as "smooth").
So, while it's a mistake to give NO attention to your communication style, don't burden yourself with too many instructions. "Simplify."
03/2009
No Time to Practice? Use Your Lunch Hour!
Choose one of the 3 fundamentals - strong posture, strong voice, or strong eye contact - and give it some intentional focus during your lunch break. When you are standing in line to order your sandwich, balance your weight and elongate your spine. When you speak to the cashier, use optimal volume. When you are sitting at the table chatting with friends and colleagues, focus on the duration of your eye contact.
It doesn't matter if the setting is formal or informal, improvement happens when you practice on purpose!
02/2009